Monday, 16 January 2012

The One About the Problems of Being Myself

WARNING:: somewhat fragmented, disjointed, totally self-obsessed thought unloading and navel gazing to follow.

For my entire life, (well as far back as I can remember) it feels like people often totally and bewilderingly (to me) misunderstand me.

You know how we are all supposed to accept and "love" ourselves and learn to love who we are?
And how we are supposed to strive to BE the real us, when and if we ever work out who that is?

Well, it appears I have a very big problem because, when I am just being me, most people just don't like me so much or just don't "get" me.

I accept all of the following things about me: I can be fiery, feisty, full-on, opinionated, passionate, grouchy, pissed off at bureaucrats and their bungling and definitely more of your glass-half-empty type.

However, I try hard not to be these things all the time.

They are a huge part of my personality, but I as I get older I am more and more aware of when to bring out those characteristics and when not to. On the inside, I am a huge softy and my sometimes turtle-shell like exterior is protecting one, fragile little kid.

If the opportunity arises, I adore to laugh, really laugh. The kind of laughing that has you crying and leaves you depressed afterwards. Sadly though, it's all too rare an occurrence.

AND, I love to dance and sing and talk and discover and listen and read and garden and cook and eat and drink and plot and plan. I am forever thankful and consider myself incredibly fortunate to have a loving husband, gorgeous grown children and a teeny number of true, close friends, all of whom are beautiful, accepting and understanding.

So, why can't I just accept my good fortune and deal with the fact that everyone just ain't gonna get me?

I can spend time with new acquaintances and believe I'm being jocular and jolly and friendly and chatty and a tad raconteurish. I ask lots of questions about them and their lives, because I really like to get to know people - Where they live, what they do with their time, what they like etc etc. And I get very excited when I stumble upon a like-minded soul, because people like me are kinda hard to find.

Then, after the fact, I mostly never hear from any of these people again. If I do run in to them again, I get a distinct sense of coolness, stand-offishness and wariness from them. Sometimes, a down-right rudeness and dismissiveness.

One thing that hurts and upsets the little me inside, EVERY single time, is being "shooshed" or told to "calm down" or "keep it down". I have worked out, after all these years, that's because what I hear is "Hey you, stop being you will ya?"

It's true, I do tend to be the one that shocks people or astounds people with my forthrightedness and up-frontery, but I'm always surprised when this happens and can't help but wonder if it's because I'm saying things that they think they can't or are not brave enough to say or if they just really would never go there.

Is it really just me?

Am I truly that unusual? Am I a rare breed of person whose brain speaks to mouth and mouth takes off before I have a chance to put it in to "don't-offend-people" gear?

Really, just like almost everyone else on the planet, (except a wondrous and enviable few) I want to be liked and appreciated. Not ignored, shooshed or even worse, TOLERATED.

I NEVER, EVER plan or intend to harm or hurt with my words, but will admit that anger, stress, feeling I'm under attack and that little kid inside sometimes make me defensive and I arm myself with words, sometimes hurty ones.

I'm just a person who expresses their thoughts, feelings and emotions...good and that really so wrong?

Often, inside me, that little, well actually not-so-little, voice gets quite loud and shouty and tells me I'm crap, fat, old/past it, and not-so-good/clever/bright/smart/gifted/talented and many other things.

That voice is quite good at it's job and more-than-likely the reason why I have attempted many things in my life and then chucked them in, because the voice told me I was kidding myself.

Can you identify with anything I am saying here?

Or am I really just one hell of a mangled-up, nut-bag once again saying stuff that really should never be actually said, out loud?

Here endeth the offload and grand reveal.

Hope I haven't lost you.



  1. Ever since we reconnected, I wished you were my mama, I think my cousins are incredibly lucky. I feel like you are more my kin than my own, but I am just super skittish and wary of family. I had to make a new one.

    1. Thank you so much S. I am kin in a by ex-marriagey kinda way and you are doing one amazing job with that new family thing. I always admired your stand-outy differences. X

  2. Sister, you are singing my song. Thanks for describing it so much better than I can.

    1. A joy and a pleasure to meet you, Mrs Smith and Thank you

  3. I can identify with this. If I count, you are not alone. I think being honest and forthright is an admirable quality to be proud of. I am. I try to balance this with being a good listener. It doesn't always work and there many days where my inner voice drives me insane with its insecurities.

    Thanks for writing the post. I am glad to have read it.

    1. Of course you count, we ALL do. If I have any luck finding the off switch for the inner voice, I'll let you know! X

  4. I just came to your blog through this post, and it's like looking in a mind-reading mirror (if you'll forgive the self-focus of that response). You're certainly not the only one to feel like this!

    1. Thank you for finding me and no forgiveness required just a big fat YAY!

  5. Frankly, I think u are Feisty and an amazing person. No need to ever change that ! xox

    1. Thank you so much, lovely Leonie x

    2. I really enjoyed your post and think we're made up of similar ingredients - you're definitely not on your own. You sound like the kind of person who I'd dearly love to have as a friend!

    3. Hi Jen, thank for your lovely comment. Do you have a blog?

  6. Michele, Michele, Michele....we are what we are & those who dont get us, well they dont deserve our friendship! Love you xx

  7. People are afraid of honesty.
    Me...... I see it as a badge of COURAGE.

    to be totally true to yourself is something that most people NEVER ever get to be in their lives.
    It is much harder. It requires lots of thinking about & owning up to yourself to do that.
    and the truth alienates others. it does this because other people find it confronting and scary when faced with the notion of doing it or seeing it themselves.

    as humans we are all different. it is what makes the world a beautiful place.
    if we all were able to not only accept difference but CELEBRATE it then less of the beautiful, creative, intelligent, soul deep people like you would feel so ALONE!

    Becasue you are soooo not ALONE!
    you know i think you are magnificent.
    and i know quite a few others who agree Madama!

    as I have said to you matter how old we are...ALL we really want deep down inside is to be LOVED.
    and you are.
    you REALLY are. <3

  8. Oh dear lord, I just wrote a post about this!

    I'm feisty and funny and fabulous company! Why do I never hear from you again? haha :)

    1. SNAP! And right, you're on my cyber sista! Heading over to read yours now. X

  9. Oh god, really? I know we haven't met in real life, but gee, I feel I know you so well from this blog and I think you're just fabulous. Really fabulous. I think it's just that people are scared of a bit of colour, exuberance and fabulousness.

    Silly them.

    1. Wow! You are lovely. Thank you x

    2. New follower here. I HEAR you!!
      Anne xx

    3. Howdy Anne, so great to meet you, about to pop over and check out your blog/s!

    4. I just remembered this quote on my Pinterest Inspiration board you might like.

      "Sometimes I pretend to to be NORMAL but it get's boring,. So I go back to being me."

      This quote works for me....
      Anne xx


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