Monday, 1 August 2011

Crankiness, Crochet & Knitting

Those not wanting to know anything about growing older in a female body, read no further.

This ageing thing has burrs, prickles, slime and shit on it.
Only good thing, is not being dead, yet.
This morning, I woke up with someone else's face on.
Mine had given up the good fight sometime overnight.
No amount of L'Oreal spackfilla & shine could hide the crevices & black caverns under my eyes.
Yesterday, I was so fucking tired.
Bone weary, leaden bodied, porridge brainally t.i.r.e.d.
I am in the throws of that hideously named section of a woman's life and let me be blunt...WHAT A FUCKING NIGHTMARE.
The "Menopause" Ewwwwww. Have I lost you? Are you in denial? Do you just not want to know or face or deal with it until you absolutely HAVE to?
That was me, too.
But here I am. And I am disgusted about how little it is spoken about...Really. Truthfully. Honestly. Unashamedly. Factually.

Sure, there have been many before me who talk about it, but mostly in a jokey, that's-life, kind of way. Focusing on the humour and the funny, cranky, old-ladyness of it all. And, yes there is plenty of literature available re: the process. But not much about how it DOES YOUR HEAD IN.
I am trying to convince myself I am strolling through the central plains of my life, but all this bodily upheaval is challenging every fibre of my being.

My period disappeared for 4 blissful months! Thought that was it. After 30-ish years of clockwork behaviour it just disappeared. Yes! Hooray! It finally ends, packs up and leaves.
But, wait...Oh no sister, enough with the glee for you! Here in it's place, I give you your own personal, built-in, faulty furnace which shall come on at 1000 degrees centigrade all hours of the day and night. HILARIOUS.

I had decided long ago, after reading all I could about HRT, that it was not for me, so I took myself off to Chemist Warehouse to purchase the alternatives. 3 hours later I walked outa there with me some Menoeze FORTE, full of all the supposed alternative, "natural" weaponry.

I started taking these as well as Mega B, Mega C, Zinc, Evening Primrose, Fish Oil & Calcium with Vit D. I swear, I gagged every day, on attempting to swallow this lot and after I had, you could hear me rattling as I walked.

After 5 weeks of this daily regime, the furnace switched off! A minor happy-making miracle. So, I got to enjoy a blissful couple of months with no monthly pest and no hyper heating.

It was heaven. I was well and truly over the monthly disruption, I must say and was at the stage of greeting it with a full throttled "piss off will ya?! You served your purpose thanks very much, but now you're annoying, disruptive and no longer required"

Then, the bitch showed up again! 11 days ago and still hasn't left AND on a couple of days I thought I was losing small parts of my kidneys. Seriously, felt and looked like all my internal lady parts were trying to evacuate.

Gross, sorry, I know, but true.

Thank-you very much life and nature and your bullshit deal for us women.

Now, to things of accomplishment and pleasure inducing...
I have three crafty-type projects on the go at present. If I maintain the form of my entire life, they will probably never be completed, but, for now they are helping calm the crankiness and focus my wandering, worrying mind.
Here they are...

A floor mat

A twirly whirly scarf

a bobbly, ummm, something.

Right, breathe in, breathe out. As you were.
Nothing more to see here.


  1. Oh man we do need to talk about that! I'm right there right now!!!!!!!!!!! Argh where is my crochet???

  2. Thanx for the honesty

  3. don't look old enough to be going through menopause....
    i'm not looking forward to it - i hate being hot at the best of times, but those hot flushes sound hideous.
    good lucky, and in the meantime, happy crafting

  4. Brilliant! I like this version better. I think it is such a shame & so strange that women are so secretive about this phase. Good on you for getting it out there.
    And may the rest of your journey through this stage be cool and graceful.


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